Thanosandre
by Incognito Albatross
Summary: In which Lysandre snaps his fingers, Calem is an idiot, Serena is a radical, Sycamore is drunk (as usual), AZ talks like Yoda, Xerosic does some SCIENCE, and Sudowoodo is GROOT. (One-shot. Rated K plus for character disintegration and mentions of alcoholic beverages)


Lysandre Fleur was having a good day.

He had paid all of his bills (leading Team Flare came with a lot of bills), eaten a wonderful breakfast, and gone on a nice walk through the beautiful part of Lumiose City. Right now, he was visiting his friend Augustine Sycamore at the Pokemon Lab.

But it was not the familiar face of Augustine that greeted him as he walked in - instead, it was the face of a blonde girl with bright grey eyes. Was this the Serena girl that Augustine had told him about? That would mean that the black-haired boy next to her was Calem, and the other three kids were Shauna, Tierno, and Trevor.

Serena glared at him. "So you're Lysandre, eh? Nice suit. What's it made of, the tears of overworked children?"

Calem stepped in front of her. "Sorry about that. She's always like that. Anyway, what are you doing here?"

"He's here to rob the working class of their hard earned bread, neighbour," Serena interjected.

"Actually, I'm here to get my friend, who you know as Professor Sycamore," Lysandre replied. "We're going to go see _Avengers Infinity Wars_."

"Dude, you haven't even watched _Infinity Wars _yet?" Calem said with a snicker.

"I'm sort of busy with trying to find solutions to overpopulation and world hunger," Lysandre retorted.

Over in the corner, Sina and Dexio looked at each other nervously. Finally, Dexio spoke up. "Umm...that's wonderful! Kids, can you think of any solutions to overpopulation and world hunger?"

"Cannibalism!" Shauna suggested, raising her hand and jumping up and down.

"Survival of the fittest?" Trevor guessed.

"Mass genocide," Tierno said, shrugging.

"Just kill the entire upper class and evenly distribute their riches among everyone else," Serena muttered, still glaring at Lysandre.

"Pull a Thanos with the Infinity Gauntlet!" Calem yelled.

Lysandre cocked his head. "What is this Infinity Gauntlet that you speak of?"

Calem winked. "Just watch _Infinity Wars_."

"All that's very nice," Sina said, "but can't you think of some solutions that don't involve murder? Like a colony on the moon, for example."

"Well, the thing is, Lysandre won't take those suggestions because he's evil," Calem explained.

"Wait, WHAT?" Lysandre roared.

"Well, duh. I'm not stupid. You have evil hair, you wear evil-looking clothes, you invented the freaking _Holo Caster_, and you're looking for a solution to overpopulation. A recipe for evil!" Calem replied.

"Now, don't be silly," Augustine scolded, stepping out from the elevator. "Lysandre is a great man who wants to make the world better and more beautiful. Now, he and I have a movie to watch. Au revoir!"

* * *

"Do you think they're onto us?" Augustine whispered to Lysandre as soon as they arrived at Lysandre Labs.

"Well, they're definitely onto _me_. I'm not so sure about _you_," Lysandre replied. "By the way, did you find out anything else about the legendary Pokemon?"

"Not much, but I heard about someone in Anistar City who knew something," Augustine whispered.

"Why do you keep whispering? We're already on the bottom floor of a building hidden behind a cafe," Lysandre snapped. "No one's here."

"Actually, I'm here," Xerosic said, walking into the room.

"Bonjour, Xerosic," Augustine said. "We were just discussing legendary Pokemon."

"And Infinity Gauntlets," Lysandre added.

Xerosic's eyes widened. "Oh? You know, I was thinking about the Infinity Gauntlet earlier. I bet I could theoretically make an Infinity Gauntlet with the power of the ultimate weapon, all thanks to SCIENCE!"

Augustine and Lysandre sweatdropped.

"I'm not sure why we'd want to kill fifty percent of the population at random. We might be part of that fifty percent. I thought we were just going to get rid of those who harm society," Augustine argued.

Lysandre sighed. "Let's change the subject."

"How about we discuss creating a slogan for Team Flare?" Xerosic suggested. "I was thinking of something like 'We are the one percent' or 'Team Flare is in your hair' or something."

Lysandre glared at him. "Those slogans are bad enough to make me lose my faith in the human race all over again. If I already hadn't lost it to Augustine's Pokedex holders."

"What about my Pokedex holders?" Augustine asked.

"Nothing. I just thought you had standards."

"I do, but apparently Dexio and Sina don't. I was busy researching Mega Evolution, so they picked out the Pokedex holders for me," Augustine explained.

Lysandre rolled his eyes. "You're not good at picking minions, are you? I, for one, have a foolproof way of getting decent followers. Successful people naturally become rich, so I charge anyone who wants to join Team Flare five million euros." Although he was starting to suspect that his grunts were just a bunch of stupid, lazy brats from rich families. He'd seen one that thought that AZ's full name was Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

Augustine must have sensed Lysandre's mood shift, because he flung an arm around his shoulders. "Hey, now, don't be like that. Today's a day to celebrate!"

"Why? Lysandre asked.

"We're alive, aren't we? That's something to be happy about every day. But if you're determined to be gloomy, the only thing I can give you is nature's best medicine."

"What, SCIENCE?" Xerosic wondered.

"No, alcohol." Augustine waved to a grunt that was standing behind Xerosic. "Go get us something alcoholic."

The grunt gawked at him. "But Monsieur, I'm a college student!

"What, do they not teach you how to fetch stuff in college? Don't worry, I'll teach you," Augustine muttered. "Kids these days."

The grunt shook his head. "Never mind." He walked out and came back a few minutes later with a bottle of something alcoholic and a few glasses.

"Now," Augustine said, pouring the drink, "why don't we watch _Infinity Wars_? It's too good of a movie to just be used as cover for a meeting."

* * *

They watched the movie - well, at least Lysandre did. Xerosic left ten minutes in to work on some SCIENCE, and Augustine was too busy getting drunk to pay attention. But Lysandre watched it with full attention. He was fascinated by Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet. In Thanos he could see sort of a kindred spirit, someone who cared about making a beautiful world just as much as he did.

"Lysandre," Augustine piped up, "you're my good _ami_. I've known you since that time Rowan visited you and I came along as his intern. How long ago was that, ten years?"

"Eleven." Lysandre kept his eyes glued to the screen.

"Yes, eleven. So we're good friends, _bons amis_, best mates, _buen amigos_, _yoi tomodachi_, all that, right?" Augustine gave Lysandre a pat on the back.

"Yes," Lysandre said, still not moving.

Augustine grabbed Lysandre by the shoulders and turned him so that Augustine was between Lysandre and the TV. All mirth had left his face. "Tell me. Are we evil?"

"Of course not. We're fighting for the sake of the prosperity of the better part of the human race."

Augustine let go, his shoulders sagging. "Good. But I just keep thinking, well, you remind me of Thanos. And Thanos is a villain."

"People like us will always be thought of as evil by the ones we must purge from this planet. But I assure you, Thanos was justified."

Augustine gave him a funny look. "If you had the Infinity Gauntlet, would you snap your fingers, knowing that you could kill Xerosic, or Malva, or Diantha, or any number of your loyal followers? Or me? Or your family?"

Lysandre met his gaze, eyes cold. "My family is dead. And yes, I would snap my fingers. I'd do it in a heartbeat."

Augustine slammed his glass down on the table. "I have to go."

"What?"

"I have to get out of this place. I'm not sure why I ever set foot in this building. Tell me, why am I here?" Augustine asked, standing up.

Lysandre lowered his eyes. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying. I doubt you'll even remember this tomorrow."

"Tell. Me," Augustine growled, slamming his fists on the table. "Why. Am. I. Here?"

Lysandre stood. "You're here for the sake of society!"

"Sorry. Not good enough." Augustine turned to walk away, then looked back over his shoulder. "See you around, Lysandre."

And then he was gone.

* * *

Months passed, each one worse than the one before it. Not only had Augustine turned against him, but Lysandre's followers kept being taken out by those blasted Pokedex holder kids.

But despite Lysandre's bad mood, Team Flare profited. Even without Augustine's help, Team Flare managed to capture the legendary Pokemon in its dormant form. Now all the preparations were complete for the unleashing of the ultimate weapon.

However, before he unearthed the weapon, he wanted to play some mind games with whoever came to stop him (he'd been watching the series Brain Games on Netflix a lot lately). So he waited around on the bottom floor of Lysandre Labs, watching the camera feed of all areas of the building - anything to keep his mind off the Infinity Gauntlet (even after he watched _Endgame_, the idea behind the gauntlet was still stuck in his head). He finally spotted two mysterious masked figures poking around in one of the storage rooms, interrogating a grunt.

* * *

The mysterious man in the blue mask pinned a smirking grunt to the wall. Behind him, a _Sina_-ster lady in a red mask stroked her Glaceon - a Glaceon that was building up an Ice Beam in its throat.

"You better talk, or else," said Blue Mask.

The grunt snorted. "Or else what?"

"Or else I'll have Glaceon Ice Beam your butt into oblivion!" Red Mask threatened.

The grunt shrugged. "The cold never bothered me anyway."

"Fine," Blue Mask snarled. "Talk, or else I'll spoil _Endgame_!"

"No! Anything but that!" the grunt squealed.

Red Mask stomped her foot. "Then tell us - where are you holding AZ? The man as tall as a stretched-out Seviper?"

The grunt winced. "I - um, I - I don't know! Please, I don't know!"

"The Infinity Stones are destroyed!" Blue Mask shouted. "The Avengers go back in time! Captain Marvel -"

"Okay, okay, I'll tell you!" the grunt exclaimed. "He's in a prison cell a floor down from here. Now let me go!"

A voice rang out over the intercom. "Intruders spotted in storage room C! Gotta catch 'em all!"

Aliana, Mable, Celosia, and Bryony raced into the room, followed by a horde of grunts.

"Dexio? Sina? Is that you?" Mable asked. "How did you get in?"

Red Mask shook her head so hard that her mask almost flew off. She held it in place with one hand, shouting, "We know nothing of Dexio, Sina, or Professor Sycamore! And we got in by our own mysterious means!"

"Through the air vents," Blue Mask muttered. Red Mask kicked him. "Anyway, stay back or we'll give you all _Endgame _spoilers!"

The members of Team Flare let out shrieks of terror.

"Fools!" boomed the intercom voice. "Attack them or I'll give you even more _Endgame _spoilers! And a deduction from your paychecks! And I'll rant about SCIENCE!"

The Team Flare employees muttered to each other nervously.

The intercom voice cleared its throat. "The density of neodymium is seven point zero one grams per cubic centimeter, making it extremely -"

"CHAAAAAARGE!" Celosia screamed, pumping her fist and running at the two masked figures. The rest of Team Flare followed behind her. As one, they threw their Poke Balls to release their Pokemon.

Red Mask grabbed Blue Mask by the arm and tugged him to the right. "RUN!"

* * *

Lysandre let out another sigh as he watched Sina and Dexio get away. Surely the rest of his employees weren't so pathetic. He switched the camera feed over to Lysandre Cafe, only to see two all-too-familiar children come crashing in.

* * *

"What are you kids doing here?" asked a waitress, pasting a huge, fake smile on her face.

Serena shot her a glare. "We're here to defend the rights of the common people of Kalos from snobbish bourgeoise like you!"

"Also, we'd like two croissants, a white chocolate mocha, and a long black with two shots of espresso," Calem added.

The waitress grabbed a pen and wrote down their order. "That'll be twenty-five euros."

Calem nudged Serena. "Um...might you be willing to take one for the team? I'll pay you back."

Serena rolled her eyes. "Neighbour, we wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't insisted on buying those galettes on the way here!"

"Number one, my name is _Calem_. Number two, sorry, but I just wanted to eat at least one of those before my inevitable death!"

The waitress tapped her foot. "Are you paying or not?"

"Of course not," Serena declared. "I refuse to fund the Man."

The waitress raised an eyebrow. "The Man?"

"Yes. Team Flare is the Man."

"But I'm a woman."

"Team Flare is the Man!" Serena shrieked. "And the Woman! And the Non-Binary!"

"Perhaps you'd like a taste of our special?" a waiter asked, creeping out from behind the counter, a Poke Ball in his hand. "It comes with a side dish of a knuckle sandwich."

Calem smiled. "Sounds yummy."

* * *

Five minutes later, the two employees were defeated. They fell to their knees in despair, clutching each other for support.

"At this rate, they'll figure out that the secret entrance to Lysandre Labs is hidden behind the china cabinet!" the waitress cried.

The waiter let out a sob. "And they'll discover that the password is 'Open Sesame'!"

Calem and Serena exchanged grins, then went on their merry way.

* * *

Lysandre facepalmed. Repeatedly.

It seemed that he was not the best judge of who was worthy to live on this planet.

Maybe it was time to let fate decide.

Lysandre nodded to Xerosic, who sat in a chair by the intercom speaker. "I'd like you to make some _changes _to the ultimate weapon."

* * *

Serena slumped against the wall of her cell. "Well, that didn't go the way I thought it would. That lady - what was her name, Byrony? Bryony? - didn't even inform me of my rights and the length of my sentence. When I get out of here, I'll sue!"

Calem, who occupied the cell to the right of hers, snorted. "As if we'll ever get out of here alive."

"Well, we're not dead yet, are we, neighbour? So we're still the lucky ones," Serena insisted.

"Lucky you are not," said a deep voice from the cell to Serena's left. "For an eternal prison is life, to be vanquished by death only."

"You must be AZ," Serena said. "What wisdom are you to impart on us, O wise old one?"

"Eat yellow snow do not," AZ murmured. "A live Torchic place into your underwear every month. And don't do drugs."

Serena bowed. "Thank you for your advice."

"All right, prisoners!" Xerosic yelled, pressing a button to open the doors to Calem's and Serena's cells. "Follow me. One toe out of line, one peep out of your little mouths, and you'll get it."

The two kids followed him into the elevator. As they descended, standing in awkward silence, "Sweet Caroline" played in the background.

"So, what do you do for a living?" Calem asked.

"SCIENCE," Xerosic replied.

"That sounds...lovely."

"Shut up."

When they arrived on the bottom floor, Xerosic herded the kids over to a room with a big screen positioned in the middle of the back wall. On one side of the screen was a red button, and on the other side was a blue one.

Lysandre stood in the middle of the room, a maniacal look in his eyes. "Time to see if you two really are the chosen ones."

"Can we not?" Calem asked. Xerosic stomped on his foot. Calem winced. "I'm taking that as a no."

Lysandre cleared his throat and continued. "Pick one button to press. One button unearths the weapon, one does not. Choose wisely."

"What if we don't press a button?" Calem wondered.

Lysandre smiled. "Then we just kill you and set off the weapon ourselves. But if you two do pick the right button, nothing bad will happen."

Serena turned to Calem. "Let's press the blue one, neighbour. Red, sadly, has become Team Flare's color."

Calem shook his head. "It's a bluff. We need to press the red one."

"It's Team Flare. They're too stupid to bluff."

"Really? Would you stake your life on that?"

"Come on. Why don't we just press them both at the same time? They'll cancel each other out."

"Not likely."

"Shut up. On the count of three, we go. One...two…"

Calem sprinted forward and pressed the red button. "YOLO!"  
"You know, if I hadn't altered the weapon, you would've killed countless people and Pokemon by doing that," Xerosic deadpanned.

Calem stared at his feet. "Oops."

"What do you mean, _altered_?" Serena asked.

Lysandre raised his right hand, revealing that he was wearing a gauntlet set with key stones.

Calem sucked in a breath. "No! He's gonna pull a Thanos!" He ran to Serena and took her hands in his. "Before I die, I must confess that I've always had a crush on-"

Lysandre snapped his fingers.

* * *

Across the room, Xerosic disintegrated, but not before he managed to scream, "SCIENCE!" one more time.

* * *

In a certain route in Johto, Lyra angrily pushed on a suspiciously hard tree. "Will you move already, stupid tree?"

"I am GROOT!" the Sudowoodo screamed, then disintegrated.

* * *

On the Plasma Frigate, Ghetsis gave Colress a long stare with his one good eye. "You know, it's perfectly understandable if an inferior man such as I - I mean, Team Plasma - I mean, _you_, are scared of getting killed by the ultimate weapon."

Colress nodded. "Some people think that we're all going to die."

Ghetsis disintegrated.

Colress smiled. "However, I disagree."

* * *

In Hoenn, May turned to Wally, a sad smile on her face. "I'm sorry, but I'm already dating someone. Isn't that right, Brendan?"

Brendan disintegrated.

May shrugged. "Guess that means I'm single."

* * *

In Nimbasa City, Hugh stared down a Plasma grunt. "Just so you know, I'm about to unleash my rage!"

The Plasma grunt scoffed. "Yeah right, Qwilfish hair."

Then she disintegrated.

Hugh laughed. "Hey! It worked!"

* * *

In a secret underground bunker, all the professors from all of the regions had gathered to hide and/or make an action plan.

"Okay, maybe I helped Lysandre a teeny bit. What's the worst that could happen?" Augustine protested.

Samuel Oak, Gregory Elm, Daniel Birch, Christopher Rowan, Aurea Juniper, Cedric Juniper, Anakoni Kukui, and Lana Burnet all disintegrated.

Augustine blinked. "Okay, that is pretty bad."

Sina and Dexio rushed into the room. Dexio's face was pale, and he clutched at his stomach. "Monsieur Sycamore, I don't feel so good."

He disintegrated.

* * *

In Geosenge Town, Tierno gave Trevor and Shauna encouraging smiles. "We'll be fine, don't you see? Here, let me cheer you up with my dance moves."

He turned around, did a jazz slide, got to his feet, spun in a triple pirouette, jumped out of his turn - then disintegrated.

Shauna started clapping. "Cool moves!"

* * *

"-this Oblivian ranger I met while riding that stupid Rhyhorn. We met up again in Geosenge Town, had some coffee, and discussed the story of the stones. Her name's Summer and she's amazing," Calem finished.

Serena slapped him. "You're an idiot."

They then noticed that they weren't dead.

Lysandre stared at them. "Maybe you really are the chosen ones."

For a moment they all just looked at each other in silence. Then Serena charged at Lysandre, yelling, "Death to the system! Power to the people!" and the moment was gone.

From the cell on the second floor, AZ gave a small nod. "Doubt not the ability of children to punch the crud out of anyone."

And just like AZ predicted, Calem and Serena, working together, knocked Lysandre's lights out.

* * *

When it was all over, Calem winked at Serena. "You know, if we wind up being the only pair of teenagers left in Kalos, would you -"

"I'd rather date Lysandre," Serena finished.

Calem sighed. "Well, it was worth a try."


End file.
